Are We Built for Connection?
The psychological barriers to working together
Humans are a curious mix. We thrive in competition, driving innovation and pushing boundaries. Yet, we are also deeply social creatures, drawn to connection and the power of collective action. Throughout history, this duality has played out in countless ways, shaping the world we live in today.
I have often felt at odds with the world’s love affair with competition. At 13, I was made captain of tennis and athletics, as well as broken school records for javelin, discus and shot put. But I gravitated hard towards team sports, where the exhilaration of a shared win (or even, a loss) was far more satisfying for me. I recall the numerous gaming sessions I had with my brother when we were younger, where he would nudge me to play Tekken, only for us to end up playing Bomberman co-op mode for the entire afternoon.
It made me question — am I an anomaly in this competitive world? Was my preference for collaboration over competition a subtle aversion to the risk of losing, or was it something more profound — a deeper desire for connection and shared experiences?
In the grand scheme of things, we all understand how competition helps with innovation. Take the iconic rivalry between Microsoft and Apple for example. Their competition led to a rapid evolution in personal computing — from user-friendly interfaces we now take for granted, to the development of mobile technologies that have reshaped so many aspects of our daily lives.
Even at an individual level, we also know that competition can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth. But unfortunately for all of us, we are living in an era where the overemphasis on competition and personal prestige has tipped the scale, revealing the more troubling aspects of human nature where ethical considerations and the well-being of individuals and communities have been left out of the agenda.
We refer to individuals or entities that unscrupulously prioritise their own interests, often at the expense of ethics, fairness and the well-being of others as — bad actors. Their actions, fuelled by a blend of greed, power, and a lack of accountability, create ripples that often result in significant harm to both people and the planet.
Humanity has seen these atrocities played out many times before with the relentless pursuit of profit in the mining and manufacturing industries, pharmaceutical industry’s prioritisation of profits over patients’ needs, fast fashion and labour exploitation that leads to poor working conditions for those in developing countries, financial sector’s pursuit of short-term gains and economic crises that led to a massive global financial collapse in 2008, technology and privacy concerns about individual rights and freedoms, gentrification that overlooks the needs of existing communities that contributed to the widening socio-economic disparities and more housing crises — as well as the rise in authoritarian leaderships in various corners of the world through a wave of populism that often involves creating ‘us vs. them’ narratives that deepen political polarisation.
Understanding our own competitive nature
On a personal level, the element of competition in relationships can be quite complex, often stemming from deep-seated emotional needs and societal influences. At its core, competition in personal relationships often arises from a need for validation, and a fear of inadequacy. This can be traced back to early life experiences or societal messages that equate worth with being better or having more than others. In many societies, success and status are measured by material possessions, achievements, and social standing. When you have more than others, it can feel like a validation of your abilities, efforts, or even your inherent worth. And this validation can be addictive and it can drive a person to continually seek more, perpetuating a competitive mindset.
Socially, the concept of "more" is often glorified. (I’ve taken quite a liking to the value investor, Nick Sleep’s principal when he wrote about “X-amount”). Cultural narratives frequently equate having more with being better or more successful. This societal conditioning can create an internal pressure to compete and accumulate more as a means of maintaining or enhancing social standing. It’s like an unspoken race, where the measure of success is often quantified by comparison with others.
A lot of us are stuck in this perpetual cycle of competition, where satisfaction is always just out of reach, as there will always be something more to attain. And it is this very trend that overshadows the importance of non-material values like relationships (a continuing theme from my last post - “Why Are We So Bad At Getting The One Thing We All Want”), personal contentment, and altruism.
Traits of a “Bad Actor” against collaboration
One key trait is dominance over dialogue. These individuals often prioritise asserting their ideas over listening to others. They tend to dominate conversations and meetings, leaving little room for collaborative discussion. It’s not just about being assertive; it’s a consistent pattern of overpowering others’ voices.
Resistance to new ideas is another telltale sign. People who work against collaboration often exhibit a reluctance to consider perspectives different from their own. They may dismiss or even ridicule suggestions that don’t align with their viewpoints. It’s not just a preference for their ideas; it’s an active discouragement of diversity in thought.
Then there’s credit hoarding. In any collaboration effort, the success is shared. However, a ‘bad actor’ often seek to take credit for group achievements, downplaying or ignoring the contributions of others. It’s an attitude that values personal accolades over team recognition.
Lack of empathy also stands out. Collaborative individuals tend to be empathetic — they understand and consider the feelings and perspective of others. Those who oppose collaboration often lack this trait, showing little concern for the impact of their actions on others.
Compassion is still key
Recognising these traits is important, but it’s equally crucial to approach this with nuance. Sometimes, people might exhibit these behaviours due to external pressures or personal challenges. It doesn’t always mean they are inherently against collaboration.
For the things that we can control, it’s about being observant and discerning in these interactions. Without resorting to labelling or judgement, navigating this competitive-driven world requires a great blend of awareness, tact and strategic communication to ensure you adopt the approaches that protect your well-being and potentially guide the ‘bad actor’ towards more positive behaviours.
One thing we can all start doing today is to not enable bad behaviour. Avoid making excuses for the actions or shielding them from the consequences of their behaviour. The quote, "The standard you walk past is the standard you accept," is a powerful reminder that inaction in the face of wrongdoing is not a neutral stance; it's an active choice that contributes to the perpetuation of that behaviour.
Compassion is about understanding and empathy. It involves recognising that often, negative behaviours stem from deeper struggles or unmet needs. When we encounter someone acting as a ‘bad actor’, it's an opportunity to practice seeing beyond their actions. This doesn't mean excusing harmful behaviour, but rather understanding that such behaviour is often a symptom of deeper issues, like insecurity, fear, or past trauma.
Empathise but Don’t Excuse — it’s about understanding context, not justifying the action. Instead of saying, “It's okay that you yelled during the meeting; you're just stressed” that excuses the behaviour — say, “I understand that you're under a lot of stress lately, and that might be why you reacted so strongly in the meeting. However, it's important that we communicate respectfully, even when we're under pressure."
Address Behaviour, Not Character — when calling out bad behaviour, focus on the specific actions rather than attacking the person’s character. For instance, saying, "I noticed that what you did in the meeting undermined our team’s effort," rather than, "You’re always so selfish". This approach is less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to lead to a constructive conversation.
Set Boundaries — Compassion doesn't mean tolerating harmful behaviour. It's important to set boundaries for what is acceptable. Let the person know the consequences if the behaviour continues, and stick to these boundaries. Say, “I value our discussions, but I feel uncomfortable when personal criticisms are part of the conversation. Let's focus on the issue at hand and keep our comments constructive." As opposed to resorting to, “You always talk over me; I can't stand talking to you!” — this is confrontational and labels the person.
Reflect On Your Approach — In the realm of software, updates are essential to improve functionality, fix bugs, and enhance security. Similarly, in our mental and emotional processing, reflection acts as a 'software update’. In an ever-changing world, new challenges constantly arise in our interactions and relationships. Reflecting on our approaches ensures that we're not just operating based on outdated patterns or information. What not to say to oneself, — "I handled that perfectly; it's all their fault", or "I shouldn’t have said anything; it’s always better to keep the peace". Both extremes prevent genuine reflection. Instead say, “When I addressed the issue, did I communicate clearly and respectfully? How did my emotions influence my response? What could I do differently next time to be more effective?".
Consciously choosing collaboration and connection
In a world that often emphasises individual success and competition, consciously choosing collaboration and connection can be challenging, but profoundly rewarding. It's about valuing the power of diverse perspectives, embracing the strength in unity, and recognising that our shared humanity is a foundation for building a better world. It's a deliberate approach to how we interact with others, both in our personal lives and in broader societal contexts.
"People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die," — Plato
People around us can significantly impact our personal growth. Just as soil can either nourish a plant or hinder its growth, the people we surround ourselves with can either foster our development or impede it. Plato’s quote highlights the importance of choosing our social environment wisely, as it plays a crucial role in shaping who we become.
Every day, we have the choice to contribute to a culture of competition or to foster one of collaboration. In making this choice, we shape not just our own lives but the world we share. It's a powerful role that calls for awareness, intention, and, above all, a belief in the value of connection.
Collaboration for the Soul
Try planning a holiday with family or friends using a Trello board, a drag-and-drop project management tool that’s perfect for brainstorming, planning and tracking activities.
Explore the healing power of couch co-op games like Minecraft, Stardew Valley, Overcooked, Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime, Unravel Two, A Way Out, Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes. Shared experiences can spark conversations that let us learn more about each other as well as building a stronger sense of togetherness.
Go Kayaking together to improve collaboration skill where synchronised efforts is crucial for smooth movement through the water.
Cook together — Neeti and I often find enjoyment in doing meal preps together. As well as the benefit of divvying up the workload, it’s also an opportunity for us to create something yummy together.
I would love to hear your thoughts and opinion on this piece. What are some of the things you do with the important people in your life to satisfy the urge for more “togetherness”.
Postcard from Hua Hin Beach
Thank you for the inspiration!
Hua Hin has a bad case of algae bloom this season, but the tourist scene is as buzzing as ever. It’s certainly nice to see local businesses picking up again.
This quote of yours "The standard you walk past is the standard you accept," is a powerful reminder that inaction in the face of wrongdoing is not a neutral stance" reminded me of a quote which i always tell people " If you are not against the crime , you are with the crime".
So I'm a year late to the conversation but...my take on this is that humans are neither solitary spiders not communal ants, but have characteristics of both species. We are social animals that need each other to survive, but the individual chafes against the requirements and obligations of the group. Furthermore, there are both benefits and costs to each end of the spectrum, thus leading to what I have called "the four forces of politics."
I think the ability of individuals to reject conventional wisdom, whether in art, science or society, is what enables humans to adapt, grow and change, but the Western hero-worship of the individual makes our cooperative nature invisible.