The Illusion of (self) Control

Do we really have control of ourselves if we don't understand who we are?

In our quest for control, we often overlook a crucial aspect — the illusion of control over ourselves. Understanding who we truly are requires peeling back layers of external influences — from family upbringing to societal norms. There are the hidden programmers of our subconscious, silently scripting parts of our identity.

My journey of self-discovery led to a surprising revelation in my 20s. When Neeti and I got married and moved in together, we often joked about how I take most of the duvet, and he takes up most of the space. For a woman (or a human being who’s born into the world where consumerism has taken over), I have very little things. Not counting the clothes that my mum has bought for me, I can fit the rest of my things in one box. I recognised a pattern: I recalled memories of my younger days and how stressful these shopping trips with my mum were. I was constantly on edge trying to pick things that she would approve of, agreeing to buy things that I knew I’ll never wear, and the constant jabs at certain body parts that weren’t up to her standards.

I used to feel odd for my indifference to shopping, but I’ve learned to embrace this aspect of myself because now I understand where it came from. Letting go of the need to conform to retail therapy norms was liberating. Now that we’re living in a studio flat, the thought of cluttering it with unnecessary items stresses me more than any ‘retail therapy’ could soothe. This realisation was more than just about my consumer habits; it was a significant step in unshackling from imposed identities and appreciating my true self.

Technology, for all its benefits, also feeds our desire for control. From organising our daily schedules to predicting market trends, it creates a comforting yet misleading sense of command. The platforms we frequent, the content we consume, and even our reactions to digital stimuli are subtly shaped by our past experiences. This brings us face-to-face with the illusion of control — the belief that we are entirely autonomous in our choices, both in online and offline.

But here’s a crux; by peeling back the layers of our digital interactions, we can uncover deeper truths about ourselves. Why do we gravitate towards certain apps or websites? What does our online behaviour say about our unmet needs or unresolved issues? The answers often lie in understanding our past, the invisible script written by our experiences.

With this understanding comes a profound form of control — not the illusory control over external events, but a genuine command over our internal landscapes. Awareness of how our history influences our present empowers us to make more conscious choices, both in the digital world and beyond. So imagine yourself a detective trying to piece together a story about yourself. You know, those big boards with strings running from one piece of information to another to imply a connection of some sort? Do that. You will be surprised how much of yourself today can be mapped back to your younger self.

Why is introspection so hard?

In my roles within senior management, I have been on the pursuit to unlock people’s potential for over 10 years. As a Psychology graduate, I’m naturally fascinated by what makes people tick. And over the years, having been tasked to oversee employee’s performance, I have been even more curious about people’s resistance to change. One thing everyone has in common that dictates almost every aspect of our lives is: Fear.

1. Most of us don’t have the support systems for it - I have to be frank. Thai, and most Asian, culture specifically sucks at this. Our culture and society does not encourage or value self-exploration (or expression for that matter), and instead focuses more on external achievements and conformity. Not all of our “trusted friends” are equipped to navigate this journey with us. And most of us don’t have access to good therapists (I view therapists as guides, not saviours) to guide us through all our biases and blindspots.

2. Most of us don’t have the stomach for it - You don’t remember your trauma for a reason. When we experience an event that is too distressing or disturbing, the brain may subconsciously “choose to forget” (aka block out) these memories as a means of psychological survival. Imagine it as the mind’s way of applying a bandage over a deep wound, allowing the person to function without the constant, debilitating impact of the trauma. However, a memory is a memory whether it is repressed or not. So reflect back to the last time you did something that shocked yourself, take a step back and spot that pattern. There’s always a reason behind everything that you do. You might lack the tools, the techniques, or understanding needed to effectively explore your inner selves, but being aware of your undesired behaviours and putting a formula on it (e.g. I always feel like X when Y happens — why is that?) shows that you are approaching introspection with curiosity rather than judgement. A growth mindset embraces the dynamic nature of our personality traits and abilities, viewing them not as fixed entities, but as malleable qualities that can be developed and enhanced over time.

3. Most of us don’t have the “time” for it - if you find yourself in this category, I’m sorry to say, you are in denial. When people claim they don’t have time for self-introspection, it often reflects a misunderstanding of what introspection truly entails. It’s not necessarily about carving out hours for meditation or journaling; rather, it’s about cultivating an ongoing, mindful awareness throughout the day. Just as we find time to eat or sleep — integral part of our physical wellbeing — making room for mental and emotional reflection is equally vital. Introspection can be as simple as pondering the ‘whys’ behind our reactions during a commute, reflecting on our feelings in quiet moments, or even reassessing our goals while doing mundane tasks. It bears a striking resemblance to the principles of continuous improvement and development in software engineering. Just as developers constantly update and refine software to enhance its functionality, fix bugs, and upgrade its OS for better integration, we too, engage in an ongoing process of learning, adapting and evolving to become more resilient, empathetic, and self-aware individuals.

What’s required for introspection?

1. Willingness to change - those who complain the most often lack genuine willingness, primarily because true change requires not just verbal commitment, but a deep, internal shift in mindset and values.

2. A curious detective-like mindset

3. Honesty and openness - this means being willing to acknowledge both strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, without self-deception or denial.

4. Good emotional regulation - introspection usually brings up strong feelings, and being able to process these emotions healthily is important. Talking it out, crying it out, writing it out all can help put your feelings into perspective. To regulate your emotions start by acknowledging them first.

So, let us face it together. Claiming control over ourselves without really understanding who we are is like trying to drive a car blindfolded while insisting we know the way. We might feel like we’re in the driver seat, but in reality, we’re more likely to be passengers of our own unchecked impulses and external influences. True control, the kind that doesn’t leave us asking “wait a minute, how did I end up here?”, starts with lifting the blindfold of self-ignorance. It’s about turning the headlights on and seeing the road for what it is, potholes, detours and all. Only then can we really grab the steering wheel of life with the confidence of someone who knows where they’re going….. or at least, isn’t afraid to ask for directions.