Thanks for dropping by Severin! So wonderful you mentioned McGilchrist’s Hemisphere theory. I covered that in my last piece when he had that metacrisis conversation with Daniel Schmachtenberger and John Vervaeke.
I like how you’ve put it - “struggle immensely with breaking out of their model of the world” - absolutely yes. That’s essentially the metacrisis situation we’re talking about. Highly narcissistic individuals are not the only one suffering (although silently and conflictingly) - the people surrounding them are also affected.
Yes, the title. I did sit on it for days until I made peace with my own position on it. This time, I’m fully aware of using a reductionist view on narcissism as a way to put focus on this critical part of us that is often not talked about enough. Iain mentioned in his talk once that there seems to be a growing sentiment of those who think “if I can get away, I will” and that’s the evil part inside of us that I’m talking about. Highly narcissistic people do act out on these “bully” tendencies because they’ve been getting awe with it their whole life.
I think partly myself, I come from a place where “narcissistic behaviours” are normalised. Normalised because it’s done by those who hold high social status within their community. Thai culture is a fear-based society. Critical thinking outside the norm is extremely frowned upon so just wanted to make a clear stance where the root of evil stems from. Power and money can corrupt anyone and with this being democratised in modern society like it is now, it’s the perfect breeding ground for narcissism if we’re not careful and conscious enough with ourselves and others alike.
I love this part, "By continually making decisions that align with our deepest values and the welfare of others, we cultivate a more vibrant, compassionate heart. Conversely, consistently making choices that betray our values or harm others leads to emotional and spiritual hardening, diminishing our capacity for connection and growth."
Adding to the craziness of things that the “right thing” is usually frowned upon by others. Being in my late 30s, I have now come to fully realise the difficulty of “sticking by” your values and staying conscious of the choices we make. Another good quote I know you’ll relate - “Being right too soon is socially unacceptable”.
I'd like to share a bit about my previous relationship, which ended about six months ago. During that time, I often felt that my partner prioritised their own needs without considering how their decisions would affect me. While it's natural for people to sometimes act impulsively, I found it challenging that my concerns were not acknowledged, even when I presented them with the truth. Instead, conversations often ended with me feeling emotionally manipulated or misunderstood.
As time passed, I noticed recurring patterns of narcissism, manipulation, and a lack of accountability. Although my partner could be understanding and kind in certain situations, I felt unsupported when addressing issues caused by their actions. It was disheartening to realise that, despite my efforts to communicate openly, my concerns were often met with defensiveness or blame-shifting.
Reflecting on this experience, I've come to understand the importance of prioritising my own well-being in relationships. This post resonated with me so well. It feels wonderful how a person on some corner of the world could connect words of another being from different corner . Please keep writing ma'am , even if its longer than NEWYORK TIMES article :)
Your comment made me smile so much. It feels awesome to connect with someone just from a shared feeling and some words on a page!
Thank you for sharing your story - as much as I'm glad that you resonated with my writing, I'm also sorry you went through that heartbreaking moments in your relationships. I think narcissistic tendencies reside in all of us. I'm guilty of those moments myself especially in the early days of my relationship with my husband. I had horrible emotional outbursts where the littlest thing ticked me off. However, it was my husband who made me see that 'fighting' doesn't need to end in compromise. It can just strengthen our understanding of one another. He had that kindness that kept extending and eventually, I felt 'safe' enough to explore and we worked through our stories together.
But to have a relationship with someone highly narcissistic is a different matter - because it's never about the truth. The other person's perspective never take precedent and there's this strange nonchalant attitude towards it all that's concerning. So it's extra wonderful to hear that you are now prioritising your own wellbeing. Healing is needed for everyone one way or another (if you read the metacrisis piece - I touched on systemic failures that happened in many layers of society) so instead of putting in the effort to deny 'the pain' and to craft that 'perfect facade', how about we just work through the pain and be genuinely curious about other's wellbeing. Because at the end of the day, that's all we have - relationships and experience to love and be loved in return.
Dealing with someone who displays narcissistic traits can be incredibly challenging, especially since they often lack awareness of their behavior. I genuinely wanted to assist this individual, believing that acknowledging the issue was the first step towards improvement. Unfortunately, they appeared unwilling or unable to recognize the problem, which led to our relationship becoming stagnant. During difficult times, I find it right to step back and gain a broader perspective on the situation. This helps me understand how easily we can all become consumed by our emotions and actions. While I acknowledge that the person exhibiting narcissism isn't inherently bad, it's important to delve into the root causes of their behavior. Recognizing that their actions may stem from personal struggles or insecurities can foster compassion and even forgiveness.
A particular moment that resonates deeply with me happened during my time studying in Glasgow. I attended a show where a woman tragically suffered a cardiac arrest and passed away. The people around me were primarily concerned about the show's cancellation and the loss of their £50. However, at that moment, all I could think about was the profound loss experienced by the woman's family. Her husband lost his wife, and a mother lost her daughter. It was overwhelming for me at that time.
Later that evening, I found myself on a video call with my ex-girlfriend, tears streaming down my face. It was a poignant moment, considering she had previously struggled to empathize with me when I expressed my feelings about our relationship. I’ve made this point to show how a person have to ability to empathise with someone but fails to do when we point out their wrongdoings , I didn’t get the empathy. At that time we were doing a long distance which made circumstances even more harder .
Through these experiences, I've come to realize the significance of self-awareness. By understanding and reflecting on our actions and reactions, we open ourselves up to personal growth and a deeper understanding of ourselves. Despite the challenges, I am grateful for the lessons learned and thanks for taking time to reply.
I just want to say that I’m happy to hear where you are with your journey. It isn’t easy to reflect - and it’s much harder doing it alone. There’s a need to constantly balance your thoughts between self-caring and self-criticising. And with the duality of human nature, we need to do both.
I’ve found that as we grow older, our capacity to hold multiple worldviews needs to increase too. The world seems larger. You realise there’s still so much you don’t know. And it scares people so you’ll start seeing people retreating to reductionistic view of the world - and oftentimes, it’s a viewpoint that grants them “an easy exit” out of their own accountability.
I’m sorry to hear about your Glasgow experience. I had a very similar incident happened to me too in London. Just as we were about to break for Christmas holiday, a lady pedestrian was run over by a bus just outside Monument station. It was that type of fatal freak accident you know there’s no saving. My heart dropped and I cried the whole night that day.
That happened ten years ago and this memory pops up every now and then. I cried because I felt sad that the accident was so tragic, so unavoidable. It was probably just a misstep on the pavement. But I later realised that I cried because I felt that life was so fleeting.
Your response has been my favourite so far. I’m not sure if you know, but I also posted this on Reddit and the reaction to the piece (or my stance on narcissism) has been very mixed (and interesting, of course). But not one comment has shared themselves to commit to opening, learning, growing, understanding more of us, the people around us, and the world.
Whatever you are doing, you’re on the right track.
I just read your piece on Narcissism (thanks for writing!) so here are some immediate thoughts on that and your comment that brought me to it.
I would expect, based on my limited knowledge and intuition about narcissism and what you have written, that people with a higher narcissistic score would struggle immensely with breaking out of their model of the world, or even realizing that they operate based on a model and not the world directly. I base this on their ability for self-deception and lack of self-awareness. I believe there is a strong connection between this capacity for self-awareness, as well as other right hemisphere traits (McGilchrist), and the shift to right hemisphere-thinking is exactly what is needed for the reality shift required to deal with our crises. If you haven’t read McGilchrists work I highly recommend it, parts of which harmonize well with what you wrote of Erich Fromm.
Another thought is one I’m a bit more hesitant about. Reality shifts will require cultivating self-awareness and resilience, among other things as you write, and I agree with your post, particularly the main empowering and positive message in the final section and the TL;DR. My only gripe is with the title. The world is far more complex than we can understand, and «blaming» anything for the evil in the world (narcissism as the main cause) might be an example of the kinds of things that enforce division and fragmentation. I’m sure I’m guilty of doing the same kind of thing. I agree that narcissism is strongly connected with evil, but I’m not sure calling it the main cause is «useful» for dealing with it, as we can identify further underlying causes for narcissism, and causes for why our social institutions favor narcissistic leaders, all of which are part of the evil in the world. I’m not sure I’m getting my (hesitant) thought across, but I’m in favour of a holistic rather than reductive understanding of evil.
Thanks for dropping by Severin! So wonderful you mentioned McGilchrist’s Hemisphere theory. I covered that in my last piece when he had that metacrisis conversation with Daniel Schmachtenberger and John Vervaeke.
I like how you’ve put it - “struggle immensely with breaking out of their model of the world” - absolutely yes. That’s essentially the metacrisis situation we’re talking about. Highly narcissistic individuals are not the only one suffering (although silently and conflictingly) - the people surrounding them are also affected.
Yes, the title. I did sit on it for days until I made peace with my own position on it. This time, I’m fully aware of using a reductionist view on narcissism as a way to put focus on this critical part of us that is often not talked about enough. Iain mentioned in his talk once that there seems to be a growing sentiment of those who think “if I can get away, I will” and that’s the evil part inside of us that I’m talking about. Highly narcissistic people do act out on these “bully” tendencies because they’ve been getting awe with it their whole life.
I think partly myself, I come from a place where “narcissistic behaviours” are normalised. Normalised because it’s done by those who hold high social status within their community. Thai culture is a fear-based society. Critical thinking outside the norm is extremely frowned upon so just wanted to make a clear stance where the root of evil stems from. Power and money can corrupt anyone and with this being democratised in modern society like it is now, it’s the perfect breeding ground for narcissism if we’re not careful and conscious enough with ourselves and others alike.
I love this part, "By continually making decisions that align with our deepest values and the welfare of others, we cultivate a more vibrant, compassionate heart. Conversely, consistently making choices that betray our values or harm others leads to emotional and spiritual hardening, diminishing our capacity for connection and growth."
Adding to the craziness of things that the “right thing” is usually frowned upon by others. Being in my late 30s, I have now come to fully realise the difficulty of “sticking by” your values and staying conscious of the choices we make. Another good quote I know you’ll relate - “Being right too soon is socially unacceptable”.
Hello Ms. Chusana,
I'd like to share a bit about my previous relationship, which ended about six months ago. During that time, I often felt that my partner prioritised their own needs without considering how their decisions would affect me. While it's natural for people to sometimes act impulsively, I found it challenging that my concerns were not acknowledged, even when I presented them with the truth. Instead, conversations often ended with me feeling emotionally manipulated or misunderstood.
As time passed, I noticed recurring patterns of narcissism, manipulation, and a lack of accountability. Although my partner could be understanding and kind in certain situations, I felt unsupported when addressing issues caused by their actions. It was disheartening to realise that, despite my efforts to communicate openly, my concerns were often met with defensiveness or blame-shifting.
Reflecting on this experience, I've come to understand the importance of prioritising my own well-being in relationships. This post resonated with me so well. It feels wonderful how a person on some corner of the world could connect words of another being from different corner . Please keep writing ma'am , even if its longer than NEWYORK TIMES article :)
Your comment made me smile so much. It feels awesome to connect with someone just from a shared feeling and some words on a page!
Thank you for sharing your story - as much as I'm glad that you resonated with my writing, I'm also sorry you went through that heartbreaking moments in your relationships. I think narcissistic tendencies reside in all of us. I'm guilty of those moments myself especially in the early days of my relationship with my husband. I had horrible emotional outbursts where the littlest thing ticked me off. However, it was my husband who made me see that 'fighting' doesn't need to end in compromise. It can just strengthen our understanding of one another. He had that kindness that kept extending and eventually, I felt 'safe' enough to explore and we worked through our stories together.
But to have a relationship with someone highly narcissistic is a different matter - because it's never about the truth. The other person's perspective never take precedent and there's this strange nonchalant attitude towards it all that's concerning. So it's extra wonderful to hear that you are now prioritising your own wellbeing. Healing is needed for everyone one way or another (if you read the metacrisis piece - I touched on systemic failures that happened in many layers of society) so instead of putting in the effort to deny 'the pain' and to craft that 'perfect facade', how about we just work through the pain and be genuinely curious about other's wellbeing. Because at the end of the day, that's all we have - relationships and experience to love and be loved in return.
Dealing with someone who displays narcissistic traits can be incredibly challenging, especially since they often lack awareness of their behavior. I genuinely wanted to assist this individual, believing that acknowledging the issue was the first step towards improvement. Unfortunately, they appeared unwilling or unable to recognize the problem, which led to our relationship becoming stagnant. During difficult times, I find it right to step back and gain a broader perspective on the situation. This helps me understand how easily we can all become consumed by our emotions and actions. While I acknowledge that the person exhibiting narcissism isn't inherently bad, it's important to delve into the root causes of their behavior. Recognizing that their actions may stem from personal struggles or insecurities can foster compassion and even forgiveness.
A particular moment that resonates deeply with me happened during my time studying in Glasgow. I attended a show where a woman tragically suffered a cardiac arrest and passed away. The people around me were primarily concerned about the show's cancellation and the loss of their £50. However, at that moment, all I could think about was the profound loss experienced by the woman's family. Her husband lost his wife, and a mother lost her daughter. It was overwhelming for me at that time.
Later that evening, I found myself on a video call with my ex-girlfriend, tears streaming down my face. It was a poignant moment, considering she had previously struggled to empathize with me when I expressed my feelings about our relationship. I’ve made this point to show how a person have to ability to empathise with someone but fails to do when we point out their wrongdoings , I didn’t get the empathy. At that time we were doing a long distance which made circumstances even more harder .
Through these experiences, I've come to realize the significance of self-awareness. By understanding and reflecting on our actions and reactions, we open ourselves up to personal growth and a deeper understanding of ourselves. Despite the challenges, I am grateful for the lessons learned and thanks for taking time to reply.
I just want to say that I’m happy to hear where you are with your journey. It isn’t easy to reflect - and it’s much harder doing it alone. There’s a need to constantly balance your thoughts between self-caring and self-criticising. And with the duality of human nature, we need to do both.
I’ve found that as we grow older, our capacity to hold multiple worldviews needs to increase too. The world seems larger. You realise there’s still so much you don’t know. And it scares people so you’ll start seeing people retreating to reductionistic view of the world - and oftentimes, it’s a viewpoint that grants them “an easy exit” out of their own accountability.
I’m sorry to hear about your Glasgow experience. I had a very similar incident happened to me too in London. Just as we were about to break for Christmas holiday, a lady pedestrian was run over by a bus just outside Monument station. It was that type of fatal freak accident you know there’s no saving. My heart dropped and I cried the whole night that day.
That happened ten years ago and this memory pops up every now and then. I cried because I felt sad that the accident was so tragic, so unavoidable. It was probably just a misstep on the pavement. But I later realised that I cried because I felt that life was so fleeting.
Your response has been my favourite so far. I’m not sure if you know, but I also posted this on Reddit and the reaction to the piece (or my stance on narcissism) has been very mixed (and interesting, of course). But not one comment has shared themselves to commit to opening, learning, growing, understanding more of us, the people around us, and the world.
Whatever you are doing, you’re on the right track.
I just read your piece on Narcissism (thanks for writing!) so here are some immediate thoughts on that and your comment that brought me to it.
I would expect, based on my limited knowledge and intuition about narcissism and what you have written, that people with a higher narcissistic score would struggle immensely with breaking out of their model of the world, or even realizing that they operate based on a model and not the world directly. I base this on their ability for self-deception and lack of self-awareness. I believe there is a strong connection between this capacity for self-awareness, as well as other right hemisphere traits (McGilchrist), and the shift to right hemisphere-thinking is exactly what is needed for the reality shift required to deal with our crises. If you haven’t read McGilchrists work I highly recommend it, parts of which harmonize well with what you wrote of Erich Fromm.
Another thought is one I’m a bit more hesitant about. Reality shifts will require cultivating self-awareness and resilience, among other things as you write, and I agree with your post, particularly the main empowering and positive message in the final section and the TL;DR. My only gripe is with the title. The world is far more complex than we can understand, and «blaming» anything for the evil in the world (narcissism as the main cause) might be an example of the kinds of things that enforce division and fragmentation. I’m sure I’m guilty of doing the same kind of thing. I agree that narcissism is strongly connected with evil, but I’m not sure calling it the main cause is «useful» for dealing with it, as we can identify further underlying causes for narcissism, and causes for why our social institutions favor narcissistic leaders, all of which are part of the evil in the world. I’m not sure I’m getting my (hesitant) thought across, but I’m in favour of a holistic rather than reductive understanding of evil.