Why Are We So Bad At Getting the One Thing We All Want?

The silent struggle for authentic relationships

Early last year, I came across an article outlining a ‘surprising’ finding of the longest-running study on human happiness that started over 85 years ago.

“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

The grim truth is, we live in a society where loneliness is an epidemic despite our hyper-connected world. So the question that had me scratching my head is, why do we suck so badly at relationships? We seem to crave them, pine for them, yet we stumble blindly when it comes to building and sustaining them.

This is the bitter irony of our times.

The Role of Society and Self-Doubt

Let's not sugarcoat it - society is a well-oiled machine that thrives on our insecurities. From every billboard, every Instagram post, every self-help book, the message is drilled into us: You are not enough. This relentless assault on our self-esteem is more than just a marketing strategy; it's a cage that confines our ability to connect authentically. We are commodities in a market that sells superficial remedies to the deep wounds of isolation.

We have forgotten to be ourselves.

Impact of Technology on Social Skills

Technology, like a double-edged sword, cuts deep into our social fabric. Our screens, these glowing portals to the world, have become shields behind which we hide, afraid of the rawness of real human interaction. We've become experts in curating our online personas, yet we flounder in the art of conversation, the dance of eye contact, and the vulnerability of physical presence. The more we swipe, the more desensitised we become - to rejection, to emotion, to the very essence of human connection.

The Paradox of Choice

The modern dating landscape now sounds like a dystopian playground. With an endless buffet of options, commitment feels like choosing a sandwich at a deli while the building burns down around you. This abundance doesn't bring joy; it breeds anxiety, a relentless itch that maybe, just maybe, there's someone better out there. It's a perpetual chase in a maze with no exit and no prize.

We are a generation obsessed with self-improvement, yet ironically, we're failing at one of life's fundamental lessons: building meaningful relationships. We climb ladders of career success, chase personal goals, all under the guise of 'working on ourselves', while our ability to forge genuine human connections withers on the vine. It's a lonesome road to self-fulfillment.

The Impact On Us

Consider one of my 36-year old single female friend, whose string of failed Tinder dates has left her more jaded and bitter about humans in general. Each swipe, each empty conversation, each ghosted encounter, became another notch in her armour. Are we being overly sensitive or are we all just feeling overwhelmed?

And this isn’t limited to just romantic relationships either. Maintaining and growing any relationship in general is harder than ever before. Over recent years, there has been a noticeable decline in the general feeling of trust among individuals in many societies. This decline can be attributed to various factors, including increased social and political polarisation, the proliferation of misinformation online, and a growing sense of insecurity in personal and professional realms.

In this Psychology Today’s article, it highlighted how capitalism significantly influences our psychology, affecting thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. The influence extends to our perceptions of self and others, promoting individualism, materialism, and competition.

We're fumbling in the dark, grasping for connections in a world that has commodified love, friendship, and intimacy. This isn't just a struggle; it's a symptom of a society that has twisted our basic human need for connection into a game with winners and losers. It's time we confront this grim reality - not just as individuals but as a collective - and ask ourselves, what are we losing in this endless pursuit of a mirage?

The Brighter Side

1. Watch Illinois Governor JB Pritzker's powerful commencement speech - “….. the kindest person in the room is often the smartest.”

2. If you’re confused about being confused, watch The Diary of A CEO’s interview with Alain De Botton touching on repressed memories, our ability to love, and true resilience.

3. Fighting the Good Fight. Watch Social Philosopher, Daniel Schmachtenberger’s introduction to the Metacrisis. Daniel argues for a shift in thinking towards the well-being of humanity and the planet, and for changes to the current economic and political systems.

4. “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom” - Aristotle. Watch Dr. Paul Conti discusses healthy relationships, power dynamics and boundaries. He also did a fantastic interview with Lex Fridman on Narcissism and the concept of envy and its destructive nature.

I want to hear from you - your raw, unfiltered experiences. How has this societal shift towards isolation affected you? What are the real stories behind your 'connected' or ‘disconnected’ lives? Let's peel back the veneer and talk honestly about the loneliness, the frustration, the yearning for something genuine in a world that often feels anything but. Share your story; let's face the uncomfortable truth together.