Why Are We Wounded?

The science and soul behind our emotional pain

TL;DR: Trauma is more common than we think and we barely know that it’s there. The lingering effect it has on our body and mind has been studied for more than five decades. The path forward simply starts with the acknowledgement that ‘something bad’ happened that we couldn’t protect ourselves from. Courageously looking into the past will help you make sense of your present emotions.

Trauma has become such a cultural buzzword in the recent decade, and I am liking this trend very much. If you walk into most bookshops today, you’ll notice that half the shelves are dedicated to exploring the world, while the other half guide us in understanding ourselves. It’s a glimpse into society’s growing awareness and sensitivity towards the complex nature of human’s psychological wounds.

“Traumatised people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies. The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”

— Bessel A. van der Kolk, “The Body Keeps the Score” (2014) explores the profound impact of trauma on the body and mind, often compromising sufferer’s capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust.

Trauma is deeply complex. It covers a range from widespread societal issues (Read: my post on the “metacrisis”) to personal and hidden scars that many of us carry without realising (Read: my post “Are you conscious or are you conditioned?” explores how to identify your origin of pain through understanding your emotions).

And we are more fortunate than ever before with access to a wealth of information that can help us understand the complex ways trauma affects us, particularly how it becomes embedded in our physical selves and away from the conscious mind.

Trauma exists within all of us. We just don’t remember them for a reason.

The Subtle Origins of Trauma

I’m talking specifically about ‘hidden’ trauma. The unconscious trauma we’ve “forgotten” about. It is all of those negative feelings festering inside us, the ones we have yet to process. Trauma in childhood doesn’t always look like dramatic abuse. It can also arise from emotional unavailability, inconsistent parenting, or even from parents unwittingly imposing unresolved issues onto their children.

“In the end we come to realise that it is the unexamined lives of our parents that we ourselves end up living.”

“Every family carries some history of trauma. Every trauma is held within a family in a unique way and leaves its emotional mark on those who are yet to be born.”

“Their inherited feelings of the parents’ unprocessed trauma were the phantoms that lived inside them, the ghosts of the unsaid and the unspeakable. It is those ‘ghostly’ experiences, not quite alive but also not dead, that we inherit. They invade our reality in visible and actual ways; they loom in, leaving traces. We know and feel things and we don’t always recognise their source.”

— Galit Atlas, “Emotional Inheritance” explores the concept of trans-generational trauma that goes deep into how unspoken and unresolved issues in families can shape the emotional landscapes of future generations, often without conscious awareness.

As noted by experts like Dr. Gabor Maté in “The Myth of Normal”, even well-intentioned parents can pass on trauma by simply not meeting a child’s emotional needs at critical times. Statistics¹ reveal the breadth of this impact that one in five girls and one in twenty boys is a victim of child sexual abuse, about 25% have grown up with an addicted parent, and an alarming one in three couples has experienced physical violence. And these instances represent just the more apparent forms of trauma in our society. The Myth of Normal offers hope for those who need to heal but don’t know precisely from what.

We Are All Sensitive

I think we all harbour emotional scars. It’s almost a universal truth that none of us have navigated the difficulty of life without feeling a little emotionally wounded here and there. It’s part of the human condition — our capacity to feel deeply is both a gift and a vulnerability. It’s the reason why we hurt so much; because we care so much.

Unfortunately, we are still living in a time when being described as “sensitive” carries a negative connotation, almost on a verge of being an insult. If you’ve ever been described as sensitive, you might be familiar with the subtle implication that it suggests fragility or a struggle to handle the daily life.

But the truth is — sensitivity is a universal human trait. Our emotions are an intrinsic part of who we are, and being sensitive to our feelings, and the feelings of others isn’t a weakness. It’s called being considerate. Encouraging emotional sensitivity means advocating for a more compassionate and perceptive society where individuals are valued not just for their resilience, but also for their emotional openness. And resilience shouldn’t be confused with tolerance; while resilience is adaptive and strengthens us, too much tolerance often means enduring harmful situations, which can be detrimental to our overall health.

So to those who have dared to care, to love and to feel — these emotional scars we carry is a tribute to a life fully lived. It is in those moments of profound connection, and stark disillusionment, to the ebb and flow of relationships, and to our unspoken hopes and shattered dreams.

Comic credit to The Awkward Yeti - Nick Seluk

None of us emerge from life unscathed.

However, there are some, who in response to these wounds, construct fortresses around their hearts. We build layers of armour so thick that it becomes difficult for us to feel at all. We may think the armour protects them from pain (it doesn’t), but it also isolates us from the warmth of genuine connection. Oftentimes, we overlook the importance of compassion, the healing power of empathy, and the strength found in vulnerability.

What Kind of Impact Are We Talking About?

This kind of early trauma becomes a huge part of us. So huge that it shapes a core part of our identity, as well as influences how we form, value and maintain relationships in our lives. According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory (1969), the bond formed between infants and their primary caregivers can determine the security of the child’s future relationships.

Yes, you read this right. Whatever happened to us before we turn one, can have a compounded effect into our adult relationships. Those who experienced secure attachments tend to have healthier relationships, while those with insecure attachments might struggle with trust, intimacy, or might replicate dysfunctional relationship patterns they observed or experienced in childhood (generational trauma).

But it doesn’t stop at just early attachment theory. What is more damaging is the continued trauma that has not been acknowledged. It signals a refusal to embrace this part of ourselves that is the poison of it all. So let us unpack some of the unspoken and hidden traumas that have shaped some of us so unconsciously.

1. Emotional neglect — parents that often ignore or dismiss your attempts to express feelings or seek comfort. “Stop being so sensitive,” or “I don’t have time for this.” You may struggle with self-worth and often seek validation through excessive work fearing that your own needs and feelings are unimportant.

2. Invalidation — parents that routinely contradicts your perception or feelings. “You’re overreacting,” or “That’s not how it happened.” You may have difficulty trusting partners or friends. You may have difficulties trusting your own judgement and possibly chronic self-doubt that impact decision-making and personal relationships.

3. Role Reversal — parents that rely on your emotional support or treat you as a confidante. “You’re the only one I can talk to,” or “I need you to take care of this for me.” You may take on caretaker roles in other relationships or struggle to establish boundaries, often putting others’ needs before your own.

4. Hypercriticism or Shaming — parents that criticise you for our actions or choices, often in demeaning manner. “Why can’t you do anything right?” or “You should be ashamed of yourself.” You may struggle with a pervasive sense of inadequacy and tend to avoid challenges where you fear failure or overcompensate by being perfectionists.

5. Overprotection — parents that control most aspects of your life, limiting your ability to make independent decisions. “It’s too dangerous for you,” or “I’ll decide what’s best for you.” You may lack confidence in your own abilities or struggle with independence showing reluctance to leave your comfort zones.

6. Lack of Privacy — parents that invade your space by going through your personal belongings without permission. “As long as you’re under my roof, you have no privacy.” You may struggle with trust or personal boundaries, either guarding your privacy fiercely, or conversely, fail to respect others’ privacy.

7. Unpredictable Emotional Reactions — parents that exhibit sudden mood swings or emotional outbursts that are disproportionate to the situation. “You never know what might set me off,” or “I can’t help how I feel.” You may struggle with anxiety and have difficulty managing stress, leading to being overly cautious or develop mood disorders.

8. Fear of Abandonment — parents that use threats of abandonment as a control tactic. “If you leave, don’t ever come back,” or “No one else will ever take care of you like I do.” You may be ‘clingy’ in relationships, or conversely, avoid close relationships altogether to protect yourself from potential abandonment.

9. Withholding Affection or Attention — parents that withhold affection or attention to punish or manipulate you. “Maybe I’ll talk to you when you’re behaving better,” or “I won’t love you if you keep doing that.” You may become people-pleasers to avoid conflict or may struggle with intimacy, fearing that getting too close will lead to emotional pain.

10. Exposure to Parental Conflicts — parents argue violently with the other parent in your presence, not providing reassurance after the conflict, or expecting you to be part of their solution. “It’s your fault we’re fighting,” or “You’re making everything worse.” You may be overly conflict-averse, avoiding confrontation at all costs, or overly confrontational, mirroring the conflict behaviours you grew up with.

What Are Some Strategies to Cope?

Overcoming hidden trauma is challenging and especially so if you’re facing it alone. The emotional pain is intricately woven into our early experiences, often before we have the conscious ability to understand or control these influences. Our brains, primed for survival rather than introspection, may not be naturally equipped to tackle these deep-seated emotional ‘scars’ without significant and intentional effort. This lack of innate ability is compounded by the fact that many of us lack the clarity and focus to recognise what we truly want or need due to these unresolved issues clouding our self-perception.

While modern approaches such as therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) offer valuable strategies for coping, the concept of merely ‘coping’ might not seem entirely sufficient for true healing. To me, therapists act as guides in the healing process, but the deepest work must be done by the individuals themselves.

True healing requires a re-engagement with life — a return to a state of innocence and openness we had as children. This wisdom is beautifully encapsulated in the narrative of “The Little Prince” — a reminder that the simplicity and purity of childhood dreams, which often get buried under the complexities and disappointments of adult life, where unprocessed trauma can overshadow our innate capacity for wonder and joy.

“The Little Prince” (1943) and one of its most famous quote

The story imparts timeless wisdom about love, friendship, responsibility, and the importance of nurturing one’s inner child. It teaches us to discover the meaning of things (aka life) for ourselves using our hearts.

Isn’t that amazing? The human ‘heart’ possesses an intrinsic ability to discern between good and bad without explicit instruction. It becomes our internal moral compass responding to ethical dilemmas and moral challenges without needing rules to follow.

The ‘heart’ represents the centre of our emotional, moral and spiritual life. (Watch: Dr. Iain McGilchrist talk about how to train ourselves to be more right-brained.)

So It’s Our Hearts that Need Healing?

Yes. Or more scientifically, our brain needs rewiring.

And remember to be kind to yourself along this journey. Having a good ‘heart’ is as important as having a good brain, especially in this day and age where the line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ becomes more blurred and confusing. Consciously and continuously refining your natural moral intuition is more important than ever.

“We may not be responsible for the world that created our minds, but we can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world.” — Gabor Maté

What Can You Do Now?

1. Accept that there are no “wrong” feelings, only honest reactions to our world.

2. Acknowledge the impact of current societal structures that feed into these personal feelings.

3. Understand what it means to love.

4. Understand what emotions mean to us and how to approach them well.

5. Read into the darker side of our mind and the impact repressed emotions have on us.

1. US data only